Earning A Place In The Tribe, by James Greenshields
Deservability, or entitlement mentality is crippling relationship, families and society in general
It’s the thing that says “That happened therefore I’m entitled to this …..”
It comes in many forms:
- You’ve given it to me before so I want it again.
- That has happened to me so I deserve this.
- By virtue of my position I am entitled to this.
We get outraged by a child coming up to us and just expecting a hand out; yet we’ll turn around and just expect to be given something because of what we’ve done or who we are.
We’ll treat someone harshly and then justify it with, ‘Well that’s what happened to me!’
I’ve done something therefore I should be entitled; and
Something happened to me therefore I am entitled.
Both come from the same place, a place of low self worth.
Both are linked to a pain of powerlessness inside ourselves.
A child doesn’t believe they have the power or ability to get what they want on their own.
A partner does something for the other then gets angry when thy feel they don’t receive in return.
A parent gets angry when their child doesn’t say thank you.
Ohhh …. Wait a minute, isn’t that about being grateful for what you receive!?!
Is it? Why are you insisting they say thank you? Is it completely because you want to instill recognition and therefore gratitude for what they receive? Or is it because you did something for them and therefore you deserve respect?
If you believe you deserve respect, you have a deservability or entitlement mentality.
Do you live in a way that reflects respect to yourself?
If you act in a way that natural attracts respect then you are coming from a position of positive personal confidence and power and as such your actions will speak much greater than some else’s demands for ‘thank you’.
Interestingly the indigenous tribe of northern Kalimantan, the Kenyah Dayak, have no word for ‘thank you’ in their dialect. They say, why say thank you to me when you’ve given me the ability to fulfill my purpose on the planet, which is to serve?
The journey home starts with understanding we train people how to interact with us; how to treat us.
That means we’ve trained our kids to always be on our case in the supermarket to get the sugary thing because we couldn’t take the pain of their complaining and so we gave in.
Or we’ve been treated poorly at work because we’ve never actually known how to stand in our own respectful power and enforce our own personal boundaries.
We train people not to fully respect us, because we haven’t completely respected ourselves.
All this use to be taught in a young person’s journey from childhood to adulthood; but is now lacking.
Don’t look towards schools to provide this form of education. One, they don’t and two, it’s not their job. This starts in the home and starts inside each and everyone of us. A journey to find our inner world of balance, boundaries and happiness, so this state is reflected on the outside.
So when the boss turns to you and encroaches on your family time that you’ve had scheduled for two months, say no in a balanced way. Be open to a work around, but what is the most important thing to you on that weekend? By saying yes, you are telling your partner and you children they are less important.
What we teach on all our Warrior Programs is “If you’re not respecting someone else, you’re not respecting yourself”.
Acting in a non-respecting way causes results that take you in the direction you don’t want to go. They take you away from happiness and cause more pain until you are willing to address the causal issues inside yourself that have resulted in the situation.
We need to earn our place in any tribe; in any group. And learning self respect in all part of that initiation.
Yes we are worthy of being in a group that is suited to us. But there is a process of moving into a group, or just growing in a current group like a family, that sees a person gain skills and confidence in their own capabilities. This comes through being tested and conditioned for the environment.
We’ve taken away really testing our young people. Adding them push themselves to their limits in a supported and loving environment. An environment that allows them to hurt, to push through self imposed barriers, to understand what they are truly made of and own it.
Adults need this, children need this.
Allow yourself to be tested and know you have the capability to be part of the tribe, the family, or the workplace.
When you truly respect yourself, you’ll create situations and relationships that naturally provide everything you need. That nurture you and aid you grow. Gratitude for your life will expand and you’ll lose any belief that you are entitled to anything, as you’ll allow yourself to see everything happens for your greatest good.
Check out the dates for the next Warrior Programs available for Men, Women or Young Men: www.centreforresilientleadership.com